if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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