I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I need a beard to bite.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
