theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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