My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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