And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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