The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
