i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
