The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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