somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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