He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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