So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
