omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
