It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
