3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
