Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This baby is an asshole
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
