i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
