you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
