Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
