stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
A bitchslap is in order.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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