remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
