it was like his penis was on wheels.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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