Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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