I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize