I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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