is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
