I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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