Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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