1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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