I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
