made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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