If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
