someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
