Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my phone needs a breathalizer
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
