I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
