Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
