fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
