We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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