I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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