You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
