I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
