Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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