I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
