I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Sober January is a disaster.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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