i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
