I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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