just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I want to have your abortion
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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