sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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