I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize