he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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