I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
