You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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