george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize