I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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