I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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