I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
